After 5 1/2 years of being without Paul, most of the horror regarding the circumstances of his death is gone. OK, not gone. Just different. Just like the pain. Different.
However, the horror rears its ugly head now and then. I wonder what people would think if they knew what sometimes happens in my mind....
Yesterday Analice and I were face to face and she asked why she has long eyelashes and I said, "your Daddy had long eyelashes" and then we talked about her brown eyes and his brown eyes and my brown eyes.....
The entire time we were talking about our eyes, I was having horrible flashes of a knife heading to Paul's eye. I was cringing inside, horrified, wondering if he saw it coming, if he felt pain, how long he suffered. I imagined him lying on the ground, bleeding....horrible images, horrible thoughts.
And all the while my mind was conjuring up horror and my heart was beating faster and my stomach was tied in knots and I had horrible pain in my chest and groans in my mind of "oh Paul" and "my poor baby", I was talking to my granddaughter about eyes.
I looked normal, spoke normally, but inside I was a mass of horror. It left me drained.
And no one knew.
Until now....
Saturday, May 21, 2011
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