Paul has been gone for ten years. Grief changes shape, becomes more a part of who I am with very few surprises. I usually know the situations or destinations that will spark a longing for Paul and bring a few tears. I have come to welcome those times, to savor the memories and even the pain - which in itself has changed shape.
During the early years of grief there were many situations that caused what Alan Wolfeld calls a "grief burst"; they hit me out of the blue and were intensely painful.
After 10 years, I am rarely surprised by them.
Rarely. But not "never".
Last night during Analice's band concert I knew that I would, at some point, feel the pain of sadness that Paul was missing this next milestone; that Analice was missing the presence and pride of her father; that I was missing seeing them together. Not surprised, knew it would come, welcomed it when it did, shed a few tears, made it a part of me. Filed it away.
Then the surprise. That unexpected punch in the gut, choking back sobs (as opposed to a few tears down my face), wrenching pain (as opposed to the gentler 10-years-later pain). The shock, the "ut oh, can I sit here and not lose it?" feeling.
A song from the 80's, performed by the middle school rock band. A song called "Kryptonite" that Paul sang ALL THE TIME. In his room, in the car, leaping around corners to sing it to me; he even left it on the answering machine one time (I have that tiny cassette somewhere...).
As they sang, the memories flooded in, memories I hadn't thought about for years. His voice, his face, his grin. It's not a song I ever hear, even as an "oldie", as I don't listen to the right stations for that.
It was hard to sit there in one way. In another way, I welcomed it. Welcomed the memories that hadn't come to the surface in a long, long time. Welcomed seeing and hearing Paul in my mind in a fresh way.
Because I don't get any new memories anymore. And after 10 years the memories tend to be the same ones, triggered by the same things.
Surprised. Another bend in the road, another milestone. Another something to tuck in my heart. That song went through my mind all day today and I savored all the memories they stirred. A something "new" to hold onto for a while.
