Below is a devotional from griefshare.org that I related to. It is hard to explain that no matter how happy I am at any particular time, I always carry the pain and grief with me, and often I am feeling it while talking to you and smiling.......................
It's been only 20 months -- I'm sure a lot of people think I should be much better by now. And I am to some extent, but mainly I just don't talk about it because I don't think people want to hear it. I am not doing so well most days................
Today a rock song came on the radio and my heart seized in the familiar gut-wrenching pain as Paul's face flashed through my mind -- smiling, serious as he played his guitar, goofy, angry........just his face and expressions one after the other. And I missed him so much I felt as if I couldn't breathe.But I kept driving the car as tears ran down my face. Shopped at Wal-Mart, no one knew the pain pounding inside.
So, here's the devotional, here's something to learn about those who grieve............
Grief Lasts Longer Than ExpectedDay 4
Grief's unexpected turns will throw you again and again. You may feel that for every step forward, you take at least one step back. The grieving process generally takes longer than you ever imagined.Please don't rush this process. Remember, what you are feeling is not only normal; it is necessary.
"It's been seven years, and I'm still going through it," says Dr. Larry Crabb, whose brother died in a plane crash. "I don't know if it's a very holy thing to admit, but when someone says, 'Well, it's been a week, a month, a year—Larry, for you it's been seven years. Get a grip. Where's your faith in Christ, for goodness' sake?' I get really angry.
"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."
We read in the Psalms that David grew weary with the process of grief and cried out to the Lord. Then he left the timing in God's hands.
"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" (Psalm 6:2-4).
"I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief" (Psalm 6:6-7 NASB).
Heavenly God, I cannot even begin to put my grief in a time frame. Thank you that I don't have to. Comfort me and support me as I lean on You. Amen.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Completing Paul's Tasks
"If I should die and leave you here awhile,
Be not like others, sore undone, who keep
Long vigils by the silent dust and weep.
For my sake turn again to life and smile,
Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort weaker hearts than thine.
Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine,
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you!"
A. Price Hughes
And so, I carry on, raising my son's daughter. That is the biggest of his unfinished tasks. But I also reach out to his friends; and in keeping with Paul's tradition of being a wonderful friend, I am sending cards and talking to those who are also grieving the loss of a child, seeking to be there for them, as Paul was always there for his friends.
Be not like others, sore undone, who keep
Long vigils by the silent dust and weep.
For my sake turn again to life and smile,
Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort weaker hearts than thine.
Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine,
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you!"
A. Price Hughes
And so, I carry on, raising my son's daughter. That is the biggest of his unfinished tasks. But I also reach out to his friends; and in keeping with Paul's tradition of being a wonderful friend, I am sending cards and talking to those who are also grieving the loss of a child, seeking to be there for them, as Paul was always there for his friends.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Triggers and half her life
I need a place to vent my grief thoughts and maybe, hopefully, be an encouragement to others who are grieving. If this seems to work, I'll go backwards and tell my story.
But for now, 20 months after the murder of my 19 year old son, what is on my mind are TRIGGERS. I think of him every day, but as time goes by, it seems the memories are the same ones. His pictures never change, nothing is new, he is gone.
I find myself hating it when I lose a "memory trigger". The store I took him to buy his new guitar has been made into something else. Streets are rerouted as the city grows, or buildings are torn down to make room for growth -- buildings that hold memories of times with my son.
So it's hard to change things in the house. It took me a long time to take down the gate guarding the TV, etc., from my granddaughter (HIS daughter, who we are now raising) because HE rigged it up to fit the area, very ingeniously so that she could not thwart it.
I cried when I took it down, remembering his pride, marveling at his ingenuity, cursing the loss of another memory trigger.
I did save a bit of cord he'd used, so that now when I open the "junk drawer" I see the cord and think of the gate and his cleverness.
The other thing on my mind is that this Friday will be 20 months since my precious son died. His daughter was 20 months old when he was killed, so she has now lived half her life with her Dad and half her life without her Dad.
I ache, I mourn such a senseless loss.
But for now, 20 months after the murder of my 19 year old son, what is on my mind are TRIGGERS. I think of him every day, but as time goes by, it seems the memories are the same ones. His pictures never change, nothing is new, he is gone.
I find myself hating it when I lose a "memory trigger". The store I took him to buy his new guitar has been made into something else. Streets are rerouted as the city grows, or buildings are torn down to make room for growth -- buildings that hold memories of times with my son.
So it's hard to change things in the house. It took me a long time to take down the gate guarding the TV, etc., from my granddaughter (HIS daughter, who we are now raising) because HE rigged it up to fit the area, very ingeniously so that she could not thwart it.
I cried when I took it down, remembering his pride, marveling at his ingenuity, cursing the loss of another memory trigger.
I did save a bit of cord he'd used, so that now when I open the "junk drawer" I see the cord and think of the gate and his cleverness.
The other thing on my mind is that this Friday will be 20 months since my precious son died. His daughter was 20 months old when he was killed, so she has now lived half her life with her Dad and half her life without her Dad.
I ache, I mourn such a senseless loss.
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