If I could choose

If I could choose what today would be, it would look like this:

Getting my granddaughter ready for her first day of preschool.

Leaving early enough to go pick up her Daddy, my son, from his work site, so that he could
walk his daughter to her first day of school.

Taking pictures of the historic event; seeing the pride on my son's face.

But I don't get to choose. Death has left me with "settling for", not choosing.

And so I got my granddaughter ready for preschool.

We left in time to get to preschool and have some time for taking a picture -- of her only -- and finding her hook on which to hang her bag and for saying goodbye.

I cried some this morning, when my granddaughter was occupied. The ache in my heart stung deeply as I missed my son, and missed him missing this.........and missed my granddaughter having her Daddy around on such a special day.

And so in a half hour when I pick her up, I will give her the special gift I bought for her first day
of school and I will ask how her day was. I will keep any pictures she made, instead of giving them to my son.

I can't have what I want, but I will choose joy in the midst of the pain. Oh how I wish he could see his little girl today.