Jan. 6, 2009

I went to our parent's grief group tonight and enjoyed it more than usual because I've not been able to go for the past 3 or 4 months. It was a small group of long-timers, so our conversation was different than when newly grieving parents are there. Our pain is different than it was when our children first died. But unlike what some people think, it still hurts deeply and there is a hole that will never go away, and we have times when we struggle -- seem to go "backwards".

My father died eight years ago and I miss him very much and sometimes cry when there is a trigger. It is much different dealing with Paul's death; it has changed me, and still affects me in ways that makes some people uncomfortable.

In group we discussed Christmas and what we do to honor our deceased children, to somehow include them in the holiday. Seems like each of us have found our own ways. Buying the child an ornament to continue the tradition. Giving money to a charity in our child's name. LIghting a candle beside a picture. Making sure to share memories.We ourselves are doing OK in finding our ways to honor, to remember.

The problem seemed to be the extended families not wanting anything special done or the child's name mentioned. That caused the pain in our group, that there was no place left for the child among the extended family. That was not my hurt, thankfully, but I hurt for my friends. We also discussed the fact that many many people in our lives don't know why we still need to come to a grief group, why we still struggle, especially on the birthday, the death anniversary, and the holidays.It is hard to explain, and that is why we need the group. Everyone there automatically understands when you begin to speak. Even though our circumstances are different, we have a bond, a special understanding, a shared horror.

I am so grateful for our group! One couple is facing the SEVEN year anniversary of their son's suicide. They are leaders in our group, helping others to walk the path. Yet, this is a difficult time for them, they struggle. Many would say "they should be past that by now". No! They have healed in many ways, they help others, their faith is strong, they enjoy life, their daughter, and new grandbaby. But they will never stop struggling over not having their son with them, not understanding why he thought he needed to take his own life, to be horrified to know he was in that much despair and they didn't know.

And so we come to group once a month to listen, to perhaps share, yes even to laugh. Just to relax and be who we are and know everyone around the table "gets it". I am grateful for my grief group.