June of 2008:

Balloons & RobberyBefore you panic, no we weren't robbed. The other morning I was reading the Zits comic in the paper. The mother & teenage son were having a time of laughter -- the punchline being that the only reason was because no one was around to see! I began to cry, thinking of Paul and how our relationship was improving, and how we had more & more good moments between us..................and I felt robbed.

I still feel robbed. Robbed of what was, robbed of what could have been, robbed of the relationship with my son, robbed of special moments, and robbed of growth in our relationship.That was what my favorite grief counselor calls "grief bursts". Healthy, but draining!

Today is Father's Day and we celebrated Gil, my husband, while missing my father (gone 8 years), Gil's father (gone 9 months), and Paul (gone 2 years, 7 months). We had a nice lunch out, then Laura took Gil to a movie while Analice and I played together and bought balloons.When Gil & Laura returned home, we filled out cards (all personal), attached them to our balloons, then let them go, with thoughts of Paul.

I am learning that when you lose someone so close, you can enjoy every happy moment -- yet they are all tinged with the emptiness of the loss, with the sadness that things aren't as they should be. Bittersweet. Happiness and sadness all mushed together!!!